must listen Anson Seabra.

first post in 2021. thank God I'm still alive. 

phew

already tired of being independent, tired of dealing with aussie bugs and ready to go home.

so many things to do, so little motivation. 

坚持住好吗

lately: 2020 is just unreal

was thinking of writing down my new year resolutions for the longest time and before I finally stop procrastinating, the world is looking like it's collapsing already. From aussie fires, East African locust disaster and now the legendary coronavirus, everything in the world came to a pause. Deep down in me, I'm utterly grateful for this eternal hope that I have and can cling on to during this pandemic. but what about those who lost their homes, financial income, families? for each day that I'm living in comfort and safety, I feel slightly distressed by not being able to help or empathise enough with the vulnerable ones. Knowing that every moment I'm living comfortably, someone else is suffering or battling. To myself: take heart and show yourself some grace, do what you can by loving the ones you can love first. start somewhere, albeit small. pray unceasingly. this too shall pass.


call me anytime,
nicole

LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS #06 晚上不應該聽周杰倫的歌

好像越長大，越感覺不會與人溝通
新友誼有種心有餘而力不足的難經營
熟悉的朋友沒一個在身邊
自己也變得不像以前那麼開朗
是環境嗎還是人
理性與感性一直交叉
每次一想起和那班朋友們大笑的時光
會心一笑
但一想起他們不在身邊 有點無力
我很想念那個自己
那個大笑的妳
那個爽快直接的妳
那個堅強的妳


明天會更好
吧


P.S. 周的新歌越聽越好聽

LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS #05: REST != QUIT

If there is one thing I'd learnt enduring trimesters, it'll be learning to rest, not quit. Life does get really tough when workload crashes you to the bones, and you have to figure out what to eat or cook for dinner, figure out how to save money, figure out how to allocate time to meet up with people, figure out how to spare time to sleep, figure out how to make sure you don't fall too far from everyone else and the list goes on. I know everyone's life is hard in a different way and I'm definitely not here ranting how mine is the worst or busiest. On my birthday a few weeks ago, I decided to take a full day off from uni work (regardless of the 9am tut I went) and went to the zoo actually! (since its 1 dollar on bday so why not). The days before that were just me cramming all my assignments and lecs and tests all day and night so that I could take a good total rest on my bday. And after that day, I actually felt so liberated and refreshed, and I'm actually excited to go back to work aka programming till late (like what?). I realised I'm actually enjoying what I'm doing and I was just too busy to even realise that. Sometimes, you just had to sit at the passenger seat of your life to get a bigger picture of everything around. With zero breaks during trimesters, on top of me taking 4 subjects this term, it's all really up to us to take care of ourselves physically and mentally man.


All thanks to social media for making things worse. It hits hard when you see all your other friends reuniting back home, and you be here looking at your one thousand and one things on the to do list, wishing that someone cares. And then telling your mind that it's okay and you shouldn't be comparing. People grow differently in different journeys of life, and comparing with others is definitely not an option in the list. In fact, what we see are what people choose to broadcast about their life, and 90% of the time it's not the pain and hurt they go through during their own journey, its all hidden beneath, like what we were taught to, showcase only the good, not the bad, which is so wrong now that I learnt. At some point in life, we're victims of this generation of technology, we all want to look good, we all want to have it all together, and truth be told it's never like that all the time. Instead of blaming social media and banning it, I value real expression of thoughts online more, with the experience of being personally impacted and inspired by people who share honestly, especially on faith and the awareness of mental health, and I'm learning to be intentional in what I post or share too.


Today is another rare day I get to wake up late, stroll at my fav market, spending time with friends and rest at home at night. As I'm typing all these thoughts, I'm just speaking them to myself back really.


Learning to rest, not quit,
Nicole

LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS #04 HAPPIER

Tonight is a night I don't feel like doing assignments and work even though it's due very very soon and still have so much to do.

It's just another day that I wanna take time to breathe.

And I cried while listening to Ed's new song - Best Part of Me.
It doesn't make sense. Why you love me.
He loves me. He loves me. Why the hell He loves me.

Just reminded again about His love, which still does not make sense sometimes.
I know this song is definitely not talking about God's love but still. Hits me hard.
Also, hate the fact that my tears are so hard to control really.
It's just a song. Sigh, have to deal with these post-crying dry and weary eyes again.

Another thing that hit me hard today, an article in my mailbox by Morgan.

" When you have endured suffering, now you know how to be with others in their pain. When you have been through what someone else has been through, your encouraging word is more than an encouraging word. It is a mirror that reminds that other person they are seen. So for all of the suffering you have endured, just know that even though it’s hard to make sense of, you can be there for the one who is struggling with the same thing. You can let them know that at least one other person is walking this path. Sometimes in life, we want answers, and sometimes, we just want to know we are not alone. We just want to know we are not the only ones who are experiencing this. And even without the answers or the step-by-step recovery plan, this can become a part of our healing journeys. This is how we can love people. Love is being willing to sit and just be with people right where they are. Love doesn’t try to “fix” them or make them “get over it.” Loving isn’t easy, but when you have suffered in your life, you know the difference love can make. You know the difference that a listening ear or welcoming arms can make on those nights where you can hardly sleep. And even if you didn’t receive love when you were suffering, you can probably look back and see how wonderful it would have been to have someone there to share in this suffering. To have someone by your side who understood, or at least was willing to empathize. When we have had to suffer, it changes us....but within that change, what if also changed the way we love? What if changed us to see that no one is alone in their suffering, and we have the power to love one another through it? " Back to work, Nicole

LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS #03 BEING CHILDLIKE AGAIN

I wanna be easily impressed

impressed by how clear the sky was today
impressed by how good I'd slept the night before
impressed by having a roof above my head
impressed by being safe and sound
impressed by all the resources and privilege I have
impressed by how pretty the sunset was

HAPPY FATHERS DAY

We will never be better at dealing with loss.
It's already been close to 7 years?
Am I still hurting?
That part of my heart where I kept so secretly aside still aches
whenever there's a celebration like today.
As I grow older,
I'm scared
I'm scared that one day I'll forget how you look
I'm scared that I'll forget our memories together
I hate that my memories are fading away
I wish I could reinstall every second of our time into my brain's permanent storage
I don't wanna lose you
even our memories together.

Stop tearing up.
It's ok.